43: Permission to Stop Breastfeeding

Sometimes without anywhere else to turn, a mother who is struggling posts a question like the one you are about to read.

She wrote: “I love my baby. She’s so precious and the best I could ask for. But I mentally cannot take pumping anymore. It’s draining the life out of me, literally. But I (would) feel so bad if I switched to formula. I want what’s best for my baby, but I feel like I mentally cannot pump any more. My boobs are constantly hurting and it hurts so much to pump. Would I be a bad mom if I switched to formula? And how would I stop producing milk? If I don’t pump my boobs get so big and hurt so much!”

(Long breath)

I’m not sure what responses she received from the various opinions on the internet. Only that when a friend of mine showed me the post she found, my heart broke. So today’s episode is for anyone who is struggling, and needs it.

So first let me clearly say that, you are not a bad mom if you stop breastfeeding or pumping. We live in a world with lots of opinions and black and white thinking. And when it comes to being a parent, we all want to do not just what’s good but what’s “best” for our children. 

But there is a cost to perfectionism, this all or nothing thinking. We not only set ourselves up for failure, because who can win when it’s all or nothing, but we also miss the millions of creative possibilities that would have worked best for us.

You see there is more than one way to accomplish something, and one thing I’ve learned from years in clinical practice is that most of the time our choices are not A vs B, but instead we have a whole alphabet to consider in which to fine tune a plan.

So for anyone needing permission to stop pumping or breastfeeding. First I want you to know that yes, of course, it’s okay! I do however suggest pausing and taking the following three steps: Ask why, get help, and wean carefully.

First, you must ask why. Really ask why. Breastfeeding and pumping often get blamed for other things that are hard. When that happens, a mom has to compare her needed relief against the weight of wanting to keep her original feeding goals going.

For example, the mother who posted that she would feel badly if she switched to formula, but that her breasts hurt too much with pumping. I would ask her…is it the pumping or the fact that your breasts hurt? Would you prefer to continue pumping, if it didn’t hurt? Because pumping shouldn’t actually hurt! And now I’m wondering if oversupply or poor pump fit is making things miserable for her… So should she feel bad if she chose to change her feeding plan? No. Of course not. But if we ask ourselves the underlying why, then she has more than just the two options.

The second step in ask why, get help, and wean carefully is to get the right help. Sometimes it is difficult (especially when sleep deprived) to figure out a creative plan that resolves the issue and supports your feeding goals.

Let’s use a breastfeeding mom as an example. Let’s say a new mother is exhausted and struggling. She blames breastfeeding because she is the one doing the night feeds (well all the feeds actually). Part of her still really wants to breastfeed but things are just a lot harder than she expected. Let’s start with step 1, why. For her, it’s not actually the breastfeeding itself causing an issue. She generally enjoys it. During the day, breastfeeding is going well and feels easy. But the lack of support, breaks, and sleep stretches she needs are weighing heavily on her.  

Now in step 2, getting the right help, this mom would greatly benefit from a lactation consultant who has lots of pumping and sleep support experience. Because for her, it’s possible that a simple schedule change would fix the real issue. For example, one of the night feeds could be switched for a bottle of expressed milk and Dad could do the feeding. That way, she would get a longer sleep stretch and some of the weight would be taken off her shoulders. With the right help, she can maintain her milk supply, create a nighttime routine that buys her a longer sleep stretch, and continue breastfeeding as long as she chooses. All because she asked why, and got the right help.

Some moms don’t make it to the third step, because after the first two they have resolved their issue and are no longer ready for the third step which is to wean carefully. If you have decided that ceasing breastfeeding or pumping is the best option for you, then do it carefully and gradually. Cold turkey is painful and you can create a whole host of issues such as mastitis. There is also a ton of bad advice on this matter floating around. 

Ideally, you would track your current feeding or pumping routine, ensure your baby is fully capable of getting their nutritional needs met by other means and that they fully tolerate their new diet, and then very gradually wean your supply little by little. This allows you to ensure your baby’s needs are met and you are caring for your breast glands. I did an entire interview with Cat Halek, an IBCLC, on the importance of weaning safely. I will include a link to that article in the show description. (Link: The Importance of Weaning Safely)

Now that you’ve considered the big picture and hopefully gained some clarity. Let’s revisit the original question. “Would I be a bad mom if I switched to formula?” The answer is- no. Of course not Mama. If you are struggling, and you need to stop breastfeeding or pumping, and that mom guilt is pulling on you. Then here it is… I give you permission to stop. To change course. And to do what protects you and your baby’s feeding experience as a positive one.

You, are a good mom either way.