13: Fear, Trust, and Decision Making
Good morning. I'm so glad you're here today with me because this is such a common issue for so many mothers and expecting mothers that I think it's a good conversation to have. So, although I'm not happy that you were drawn to the fear, anxiety, and trust label of the podcast, I'm glad that you were brave enough to open it up.
Fear, anxiety, and difficulty trusting ourself is so common. And you're not alone if you feel any of those things. So in this episode, I want to give some examples and how this can kind of creep into our decision making as mothers and expectant mothers. And I also want to provide you with some simple strategies that help to quiet the external noise so that you can hear yourself.
I want to start off by saying that fear can be a good thing- it can keep us safe. But it can also keep us from feeling safe. Fear, when you think about it, is a lack of trust and can create a heightened sense of anxiety and the feeling of not being safe at the root of it.
Now, I am not a psychologist or a mental health counselor, I’m speaking strictly of my own personal experience and my experiences working with hundreds of mothers have felt this. And what I have gleaned so far both personally and professionally is that is always comes back to needing to building some trust within ourselves. Often it is very helpful to have external perspective, from a trusted and aligned resource or person, to organize things out loud, and help brainstorm. But, although that brings important value, the real resolve comes when you feel you can trust yourself. That’s not the same as having to know all the things. In fact motherhood is a big learning experience for everyone no matter how much time you’ve spent with infants prior to it. The real steadiness, the real relief, comes when you realize you can trust yourself first and foremost.
Today, I want to encourage you to listen to your instincts and intuition when it comes to making motherhood decisions. This might include learning more about a topics and becoming a more informed decision maker; but decisions, purchases, and actions based on fear- go against our internal grain. They create a sense of internal resistance and stress that sits below the surface of your thoughts and drains you. I want to give you a few examples and then I’m going to offer a simple strategy for how to determine if a decision is coming from a place of intuition or a place of fear.
Let's take a decision example first. Here's a really big one. Your birth plan. So, one example to think about is going to the hospital to give birth. Because you are fearful of X, Y, or Z happening. Maybe not trusting your body or yourself to do this new big thing of birthing a baby. Maybe there's fear of judgment of family or friends if you don't give birth at a hospital. (That was me. I did not believe I would be most relaxed in a hospital setting, but I went into the hospital setting anyway, like it was a battleground and I had to protect my birth plan.) So for me, that decision was a bit based on fear. Another mom, perhaps you, may feel that the hospital is where you are the most able to relax and allow your body to open for the smoothest birth.
You see, it's not a one size fits all. It's what fits you that matters. By the way, I highly recommend a birth class of some kind if you're nervous and like some heads up on how women's bodies for generations have the biological intelligence to give life and birth babies, which is just still so amazing to me, but as a side note, a birth class can be really helpful for calming some of those fears.
Another example of fear based decisions might be a purchase decision. So, let's take a bottle sanitizer, for example. Now, we know that mothers and women are aggressively, aggressively marketed to. And a bottle sanitizer is a really great example. So, is it a practical, helpful item that is on the countertop which you have plenty of space for? Or, is it being purchased based on fear that germs are going to hurt your baby and if you don't spend money on this and use this, then your baby is going to suffer somehow. Hot soapy water is completely fine, and actually over sanitization, unless there's a medical reason for it, can be counter helpful.
So, again, When you're making the registry list and you're thinking about purchases, you know, are they practicality based? Are they interest based and curiosity based or are they fear based?
A third type of example would be another action decision. So here's another big one. (We're just gonna do the whammies today.) How you support your baby's sleep. This one's extra sticky because of course it is Integrally tied to how you sleep. Are you choosing to force a strategy that doesn't make you feel right? Your whole body is fighting your mind on it, but you white knuckle it because you are afraid your baby will be spoiled or a terrible sleeper later.
Alternatively, are you feeling deep down that the practice or routine you're on is one that feels good and supportive of your baby and you? (By the way, another side note, it's a total myth that holding your baby too much will spoil them. They can be held, you know, almost all the time and still be great sleepers later as they're more mature in practice.)
I just want to remind you, I don’t have a judgment on what you should do on these. I believe babies and humans are similar for many of our needs and development paths, but that each mother-baby dyad is unique in their personality as well as circumstance. I also believe we are in a generation that partners, such as a husband, can totally be part of a getting more sleep for you plan (of course this also requires trust).
Okay so you get the picture, we can make decisions fueled by fear in many ways, and it may steer different mothers in different directions but the root is the same. Decisions based on fear, verses trusting yourself first and foremost.
So what can you do when you feel a bit anxious?
Of course use whatever tools you’ve already learned about yourself, for example counseling, etc., but here is a simple exercise to make some space to hear yourself and quiet the external noise:
Sit still in a quiet space (don’t worry you won’t be there long). This is a good time to take that deep breath you haven’t all day, roll out your neck or shoulders, etc.
Allow your thoughts to race by like cars on the road. Don’t try to stop them or read the tag. Just let them drive by.
Then energetically step back, as if you are on the side walk or maybe a porch that’s near the road. It’s as if you leave your body and mind in front of you on the road and can just observe for a moment. As you do (and over time and with practice) it will become clearer that there is a knowing in you. Separate from the cars (or worry thoughts) that are fueled by fear of judgement from family/friends/society.
After a few minutes just get up and let it go for a while. Sometimes clarity comes later when you aren’t even expecting it just because you’ve allowed yourself to digest some of these thoughts.
If you still aren’t sure if a decision is based on fear, you can check it by asking yourself: If everyone would support me (or never know) what would I do?
Another helpful question is: Which option gives me a sense of relief opt A or B?
And lastly: Which option do I know I will eventually land on after agonizing over. Perhaps it’s okay to jump straight to it?
These questions are especially helpful if you write out your answers.
I hope these tips are helpful. I understand how worry can tint an entire experience, and I hope this episode encourages you to tap into your inner knowing and make decisions based on it rather than fear. Because I believe that you know yourself and your baby better than anyone else from the very start.