19: Infant Experience, More Important Than You Know

Today, you and I are going to talk about four very simple things to protect your baby’s mealtime experience to be a positive one. Let’s jump right in!

I want you to for a moment, consider the experience of being fed by another person.

Imagine that this person is someone very loving in your life. Definitely a person whom you trust and just being around them you feel your shoulders relax, you breath more calmly, and you feel- well safe. In this scenario you’re also in a calm clear space- with low or no extra background noise. They would put you in a super comfortable, but also stable and safe feeling position. So you can focus on what’s coming into your mouth, manipulating the food, and swallowing safely.
Let’s also say it’s something really delicious, and you were just feeling a bit hungry so the timing is perfect. You anticipate the bites but the person feeding you slows down and pauses when they can tell you need a break.

During the meal, there is loving eye contact and some intermittent pleasant conversation. When you start feeling satiated, the person feeding you stops and helps you get into a comfortable resting position. If you aren’t tired they chat with you a bit, but once you are they let you drift off to take a nap...

Now imagine, the room you’re in is a bit noisy. Not calm noise but more distracting, and a bit over stimulating. You’ve been hungry but your attempts to get their attention have gone unnoticed. Eventually you become flustered, perhaps concerned and finally the food arrives. You may be lying almost flat, or in a way that you have to focus on holding your body steady. This takes effort and makes it more difficult to manage the food. Also, you are not allowed to use your hands- perhaps they are wrapped up tightly around you- or in mittens and when you bring your hand up to guide the food, to get a good sense for it as it comes near you, your hands are gently moved back down away for the cup or spoon.

In this scenario you are not able to communicate with words and even when you put your hand up in the stop sign position it too is moved out of the way for another bite to be put in your mouth. The person feeding you may not wait for you to open your mouth or accept bites, and instead even when you are full or have a little gas pain or reflux- they notice there's really only a small amount of food left and push you to finish it all. Now you both spend extra time and energy trying to get comfortable and to digest the meal. Perhaps mealtime is not so pleasant, perhaps you learn mealtime is a reason to become defensive or passive.

You see where I’m going with this…

Babies communicate with us from the start and their mealtime experience begins soon after they are born. Each meal shapes their relationship with food. Is mealtime relaxed and comfortable? Is it fast and we eat until we are uncomfortable? Do I lead the meal or does someone else?

The type of mealtime relationship you want for your baby is important to consider and you can do small things to support it. I think it’s safe to assume you would want the more pleasant experience and there are very simple ways to offer it:

First, you follow their cues. By the time your baby cries, you’ve missed the early cues. If you are not familiar with newborn feeding cues check out episode 15 where I explain how your baby communicates that they’re hungry. And of course, please give yourself grace with this because some babies just wake up and quickly start crying for milk (for example my son spent very little time in the early cues and b-lined for louder cues quickly as a newborn). I’m not suggesting you get it perfect all the time- just that when you know crying and mouthing their hands is a later cue, it can really help you to catch them in a calm feeding state before they get to that point.

Second, mind their position. Your baby should be aligned well (not hips to the left and shoulders or head to the right for example- no newborn baby yoga during feeds until they are much older and it’s expected). They should also have their weight on your body. And please avoid having them drink while laying flat on their backs. Please- just please on this one.

Third, free their hands! Babies use their hands with intention even if sometimes they aren’t yet fine tuned motorically. It’s okay to gently scoot them, or let them hold your pinky instead of the bottle nipple. It’s okay to gently put them in a goal post position around your breast when they accidentally have one smushed and crossing between their body and yours. Another way to picture this is as if they are almost hugging your breast. You are supposed to support and help; but when we swaddle, mitten and otherwise hold down a baby's hands during feeding or other activities it does change their access and the feeding experience. (The swaddle should really only be used for specific therapeutic reasons with feeding that outweigh what we are discussing here- and even then it should be very thoughtfully considered.)

And fourth, remember to enjoy the feed and take your time. When you do this, you are usually set up well to follow your baby’s cues if you understand how they communicate. Your loving voice and patience go a long way.

Mealtime experiences, over time, shape the way we view eating and what our relationship with food is long term. If you ever find yourself thinking- okay I’m trying to do all these things and my baby is just losing it and we are struggling to have any enjoyable feedings, that would be a sign to get some help. Maybe there’s a simple schedule change, or some other barrier getting in the way of your experience that can be addressed. I’m not saying it’s all unicorns and butterflies all the time, but when you are standing on one foot, bobbing up and down constantly, or having to distract your baby to get them to eat, something is being missed because you should have to work that hard. (I once saw a family using YouTube kid cartoons and songs to get their 3 month old to take a bottle. Y’all this is not normal, and overriding their sensory system like this is not a good long term plan.)

Most babies do very well when we set them up for success by considering their feeding experience and following these four recommendations. So here’s a recap: follow their cues, mind their position, free their hands, and remember to slow down and enjoy it. This sets you both up for a positive mealtime experience now and in the future.

It’s my dream to help moms stay out of feeding therapy later, by starting things off right and recognizing any issues before they snowball. And you can help with this mission by rating the show so other mom’s who need it can find it easily.