15: Understand Your Baby, Even With No Experience

Hey Mama. Today I want to talk to you about anxiety if you have no infant experience that you are expecting a baby. This is really common. I get asked all of the time, “What do I need to know? I'm feeling so anxious. I've never, you know, changed a diaper before, and I just am so worried that I'm not going to know something that I need to know in a moment's notice.”.

So I'm hoping this episode will sort of calm some of that anxiety for you and today. I just want to review some red flag things for you to have in the back of your pocket that way, you know If they happen it's a concerning sign. And then also to just talk to you about normal infant behavior. Oftentimes, if we know something is normal, then when it occurs we don't have to have all of that mental chatter in the back of our mind, creating anxiety like what if this is a big sign? What if this is a problem? Because you'll already know, this is normal and I know what to do to try to figure out what my baby's telling me.

So, let's jump right in. Let's start with the least common, but scariest issues first. Here are some big red flags that you need to ask for help ASAP. Maybe even the emergency room.

It is more of an time sensitive issue, if your baby is crying hard without stopping no matter what you do for a long period, or you suspect that they have pain. Pain cries, are really a level up. Although it's hard to describe, it really does seem generally like parents notice it as different from other cries. Especially if they were dropped or a known cause of pain occurred. This is a sign to get help fast. Occasionally, a baby will have some pain when put in certain positions or every time a certain thing happens, and this is also a good reason to seek help.

Respiratory difficulties, including turning cyanotic (like blue or gray lips, mouth, or other body parts) or really any strong respiratory difficulties, that's another good reason to seek immediate help.

Bloody stools, projectile vomiting (which is different than spit up), lethargy without rousing for milk, or not having any wet diapers. These are all big reasons that something time sensitive is happening.

Now, this isn't an exhaustive list, but I think it demonstrates what kind of signs fall into that acute category.

These are examples, again, of time sensitive issues that are not expected or normal developmental occurrences. These are helpful to know mainly so that you can feel a bit calmer when you deal with a more typical situation, especially if you run anxious.  I believe that what's just as helpful as knowing what constitutes a big time sensitive or emergency issue is knowing what is normal. So that's what we're going to focus on here for the rest of the episode.

First and foremost, let's review some quick tips on how babies communicate. And they absolutely do communicate. You can think of infant cues as their communication signals, and you can also imagine them on a bit of a bell curve.

So, when a baby is first waking up and they're starting to move a little bit, their hands might be moving or turning into little fists. You might see some brightness in their hands or their feet.  They're rooting a little bit, turning their head side to side, even gently, stretching. You might see little suckling patterns with their mouth, or even some rapid eye movement behind their eyelids.

These are all your first feeding cue signs. Normally, we look at that baby and think, they're still sleeping. But this is actually the sign to get that meal ready. They're saying, “Um, can I have some milk please and pretty soon?”.

The next level of arousal for the newborn baby might include increased movements, a little stronger, a bit more awake. Their eyes are really open, they make small noises, and eventually they might even raise up to having light or intermittent fussing.

Now, someone else might say, “Oh, they're so cute, they're talking to me!”. And you know, what they're saying is, “Ma, the milk! Get the milk!”.

Now, if things escalate from there (as they commonly do with newborns very quickly) then, you run into what I consider late stage cues.

Those might be harder/jerkier movements, crying, and even becoming red in the face. At this point, it's really hard to focus on eating even when you really want it. This is when you might see them shaking their head back and forth. You know they want the bottle, but they can't seem to find the nipple. And they're really telling you, “Please help me calm down and then feed me.”.

Now, this might seem super simple, and in action it is simple, but just know that it is normal for some babies do move very quickly through these phases. And that it is very likely that you're going to have a hungry, crying baby at some point; even if you're really good at catching the early cues. However, having this understanding can give you a leg up. It can let you know that there isn't necessarily something wrong.

On the other side of the feed, when they're full and satisfied, a newborn is going to kind of go back down the other side of that mountain (the bell curve). They're going to get cozy, they're going to get drowsy, and eventually they're going to fall asleep. And after some rest, they'll start it all over again. That's a normal curve of cues for a newborn.

But hunger isn't the only thing they communicate with us about. So let's talk about the other reasons that a normal, healthy newborn might be talking to you. In the cue examples that we just gave, we based it on hunger cues. That’s a really frequent cue that babies will communicate about, but they also may communicate:  if they're thirsty, if they have some belly stuff going on, or if they just need snuggles. These are all normal needs for a newborn baby that they will communicate with you for.

So, now that you know:

· How they might communicate with you (e.g. movement, waking, small noises, bigger movements, intermittent fussing, or even crying).

· Some common reasons why they might be talking to you (e.g. hunger or thirst, they need to work something out in their stomach, they need rest or sleep, or maybe they need snuggles).

All you need now is some simple strategies to figure out which one your baby's needing so you can meet those needs and show your baby you understand them and they can chill out because Mama's got you.

Okay, let's take the first one. Let's pretend that your baby is fussy or maybe crying a bit. Perhaps it's around feeding time (give or take). Remember, your baby is not going to feed perfectly by the clock unless it's forced. And if you cling too hard to the clock, you will get a lot more late stage feeding cues (AKA crying) versus if you bring in some cue observation.

So that's easy. Maybe it's just time to eat. But what if it feels too soon to eat? Well, maybe they're cluster feeding. In that case, there's a good chance they're just telling you, “Hey, lady with the milk, I'm hungry again.”. High feeding frequency, AKA cluster feeding, is routinely common on night two of life, and also around day ten (give or take). The obvious answer here is to calm them the best you can, and then feed them.

Okay, let's go on to the next example.  If your baby has already eaten or is spitting up milk, then it's unlikely hunger is the cause.  Even if they seem happier briefly while sucking, in this case I like to consider if something belly related is happening, then comfort nursing or pacifier might help here.

It's really important to keep in mind that they're still learning to use new muscles and they still have an immature gut. So, in this case, you might ask yourself, Did I accidentally give too much milk? Or, maybe milk too fast? Do they need to burp? Or, do they need to poop? You can help them by positioning them well and more upright, gentle patting on the lower back (not the upper back), or using gentle bicycle kicks. (Side note, I don't recommend putting them on their back flat and doing bicycle kicks if they have a very full belly and are spitting up. But if they're just fussy because they need to poop, sometimes that can bring a lot of comfort and help them along.)

Let's move on to the next example. A really often overlooked need is sleep, cuddles, or both. Usually, a calming technique of simply holding your baby is very effective if this is what they are asking for. You may attempt to calm by holding your baby skin to skin, snuggling with them, or the good old bob and weave strategy. This is one of my favorites, where you sort of hold your baby in a comfortable position, and you gently bob and weave with your feet planted on the ground.

The bob and weave is very popular among newborns, but you can also take them on a walk, or just rock them in the chair as an alternative movement option.  Some people swear by the car, but I do not recommend driving around stressed out and sleep deprived as the go to option. 

These four checkpoints, hunger or thirst, needing to work something out in their stomach, and rest or snuggles are very frequently what your baby needs. And they are the go to list when your baby is communicating with you.  (I tried to make it into an easy acronym to remember, but HSSS, for Hunger/Thirst, Stomach, Sleep, or Snuggles was the best I could come up with and it sounds weird to say like, if your baby's crying then “hiss” at them.  But if it helps you remember then go ahead, HSSS at your baby.

Also, remember that having your list of resources ahead of time such as the phone number for the lactation consultant you like, a trusted pediatrician, etc. is oh so valuable if you need reassurance down the road or if you run into something that's unexpected. If you're confident with what's normal, you'll easily be able to spot the abnormal.

And don't forget that you do know your baby best, even from day one!

I would be honored to be part of your resource team. If you have specific questions or want to talk to someone about newborn feeding and your feeding plan, please schedule an appointment with me on my website (schedule 1:1 here). You can also just email me directly at Barbara@FeedingByJanuary.com to schedule.