16: Dear Grandparents
Dear Grandparents,
For the best relationship with your grandchild’s parents:
Firstly, and I say this with love and respect; It’s not your time.
You have raised your fabulous kids and gleaned a lot of valuable knowledge along the way but if you recall being a new parent then you can probably remember how hard it was, or at least acknowledge the weight of trying to do it “right”. We often don’t know, and probably won’t know if what we are being told is “right” or “wrong” for decades. Maybe filling the crib with soft items will come back in vogue. Maybe the empty sterile crib is here to stay. Maybe juice instead of water will make a comeback, or it probably won’t, but the point is not to trash how you raised your kids- no no quite the contrary, it’s to highlight how you absolutely did it the best possible way you could with the information available at that time. And that’s quite literally what the new parent is also trying to do now. Some of the practices and information have changed, but the pressure of trying to prioritize the safety, health, and well being of your child has not.
Secondly, please choose your words carefully when giving advice. Consider who the person you're giving advice to is and how they receive information over how they may need information. For some new mothers, it may be best to wait until you are asked for advice whereas for others they are needing someone else to organically notice something. Either way, please choose gentle words and consider their perspective before offering advice or observations. I distinctly recall being told “Don’t you think he’s thirsty?” but hearing “You obviously are not tuned in to your child’s needs because they are not being given enough liquids.”. I really only say this to highlight how lack of sleep and the postpartum period can set the mood for being more sensitive and tender.
Thirdly, and possibly most importantly please keep trust and honesty at the forefront of your communication. Now I know I just told you new parents can be sensitive, but I believe we can be sensitive as well as trustworthy because I’m not talking about openly sharing all your opinions. I’m talking about being trusted to do things the way the parents like and being honest if something goes astray. When you follow the parent’s care preferences and are honest with the other details, it means that parents can trust you and actually relax when their child is with you. This would mean you are a true part of their village. Trusted. Honest. Supportive.
If you want bonus points, take an emergency response course. They are easily found online now and are available at a wide range of prices. I think I found an online version during COVID on the RedCross.org website and I believe they also offer in person options. If your daughter or daughter in law is at all the anxious type, or really even if she isn’t, this is fantastic knowledge to have. Plus, it’s my personal opinion that anyone watching a baby should know what to do if they appear to not be breathing or they’re eating solids and choke. Because the answer is not a pat on the back while they are sitting in the high chair and they cough...
Lastly, and this one may seem surprising, is to hold your personal boundaries. Nothing destroys a balanced relationship faster than giving more than you truly have to give and becoming worn down, depleted, and potentially resentful. If you are not prepared to fill the role of full time nanny, then do not. If you are prepared to help for a set period of time, or a set part of the week, communicate what you are and are not able to do gently but clearly. It will really benefit everyone in the long term and no one will be blind sided that the help they expected wasn’t available. This also gives a mom plenty of heads up to find appropriate childcare. So often there are mismatched expectations, simply because they were never discussed ahead of time.
If you are a grandparent listening to this, and you want another idea on how to support the expecting mother in your life then I invite you to gift them a 1:1 educational call with me, where I answer their personal infant feeding and lactation related questions and provide notes afterward. This is a good way to help reduce some anxiety and also for an expecting mother to meet me and feel out if I would be a good resource for her later should she need it. One of the hardest things I see mother’s deal with is not knowing who to call with questions when they arise later. Of course this does not have to be with me, and you would want to be sure ahead of time she actually wants it. If you are interested, you can set this up by emailing me at Barbara@FeedingbyJanuary.com, which is listed below. And don’t forget to ask for the gift discount! (If you are a mom gifting this to yourself, email me, bc I will definitely honor the gift discount for you too mama).
Well that’s it for this week, I hope you share this with the soon to be grandparents in your life or that it spurs some important conversations when it comes to your support system.
I’d like to say a quick thank you, for the grandparents in my son's life, for not only being a part of my village but also for inspiring this episode.
See you next week!